Apology: Being irresistible to old men (Part 3)

31 12 2010

Dear Japan,

I would like to offer my sincerest apologies for misrepresenting myself as a member of a flamboyant male escort service, and misleading your older gentlemen into having embarrassing lovers’ quarrels on your otherwise wholesome streets.

Yours,

Elder Swift

Part 3/3

I woke up, disoriented in the darkness.

The soft sound of muffled snores, trapped under a shifting tide of futon blankets, had risen in pitch at some point and disturbed whatever dreams I might have had, leaving me suddenly awake, staring at a formless ceiling as my eyes tried to adjust to the shadows.

A tinny beating sound, like little armies of drummer-boys, seemed to slide off the rooftop. The never-ending rain of last night had carried on until… what time was it? I moved to sit up, finding, to my annoyance, a listless arm draped across my chest. I still wasn’t fully awake, and as the arm sluggishly pulled away back beneath the neighboring blanket from which it’d spawned, I realized I wasn’t in my own bed.

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Apology: Being irresistible to old men (Part 2)

28 12 2010

Dear Japan,

I’d like to apologize for giving your middle-aged men the “wrong impression” while walking outside train stations, where I was obviously confused for being a sharply dressed male prostitute one too many times.

Yours,

Elder Swift

Part 2/3

It was a beautiful, warm summer morning in Tokyo.

The cicadas were singing, much like the crickets back home, except instead of a symphony of miniature, squeaky violins, it was a dull cacophony of invisible yet omnipresent buzzsaws. Ten thousand insectoid string instruments were proving, once again, that no matter where you go… there you are. I challenge you to find a sound that could possibly be more annoying, and yet lend such a measure of strange, familiar comfort at the same time.

It’s unsettling, really, to realize how you get used to things. How, once you experience them enough, things can actually become “normal.”

Like… getting fondled in public by strangers.

Yes my friends, it’s time for Part 2 of my first Apology, and here’s how it happened.

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Apology: Being irresistible to old men

26 12 2010

Dear Japan,

I would like to give you my heartfelt apology for being absolutely irresistible to elderly, gay men and for teasing them with something they couldn’t have: namely, my shiny rear-end.

Yours,

Elder Swift

Part 1/3

No, seriously, old gay Japanese men kept coming on to me the entire time I was in Japan. Read the rest of this entry »